Tools For Intimate Communication

"For one human being to love another is the most difficult task. It's the work for which all other work is preparation" Rainer Maria Rilke

"Do not wait; the time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along." George Herbert

The Long and Grinding Road

With the exception of learning how to "slow dance" in my 7th-grade guidance class, I never learned a thing about how to communicate with the opposite sex (girls) in my formative years. My father, bless his nervous heart, tried his best in those far-flung days of 60's radicalism to assure me that anything between a man and a woman was okay, "as long as you're both in love and use rubbers". Meanwhile, the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" droned on as the background music for my raging hormones. ("Why Don't We Do It In the Road?" was also in heavy rotation.)

Just where, pray tell, does one go to learn about "love"??

Many years later, following marriage, fathering and divorce, I stumbled upon Margot Anand's Sky-Dancing Tantra, and a simple exercise called "Intentions, Fears and Boundaries", a specific practice for speaking the truth with one's lover. And yes, it set me free, but not all at once.

The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Piss You Off (Werner Erhart)

The very idea of talking, much less telling the truth in my intimate moments just seemed, well, weird. Wasn't it sufficient that my lover and I were entwined and breathing heavily, our words made obsolete by the overwhelming passion we were feeling? I remember as a young man actually practicing a kind of reckless abandon in my love-making, imagining that the fewer words spoken, the better.

Over the long haul, my way of loving without communicating in words degenerated into a tangle of false pretenses and an actual avoidance of relationship. I felt unable to ask for what I really wanted, and resented it when my partners did. Maybe love conquers all, but as a lover, I was as genuine as a costumed Napoleon!

Slowly Moving Beyond Resistance

What I came to understand as I confronted Margot's teaching was that my "strong silent type" persona was actually an elaborate way of hiding that gave strength to my negative feelings. Needless to say, my unspoken fears and anxieties prevented me from feeling safe and relaxed in the bedroom, and were even backing up and poisoning the other parts of my primary relationship!

Even though I resisted at first, I discovered that sharing these same feelings with my partner in an atmosphere of trust and sincerity dissipated their power. And as I listened to my partner truthfully expressing her deep feelings, it became obvious to both of us just how much more energy was freed up for our love-making as our bond of authenticity deepened.

As the goal of Tantra is to penetrate experience as deeply as possible, ("ecstasy"), our personal concealment of feelings become exposed as a fundamental split of the Self - they prevent us from wholeheartedly participating in love-making, or any other activity for that matter. The basic Tantric practices of creating sacred space and speaking our truth are incredibly useful tools for opening our hearts and growing into who we really are. Again, the link for a PDF to these readily accessible exercises is HERE.

"In the Spirit of Intimacy", Our Introductory Class To Tantra

Diana and I are teaching these fundamentals of Tantra, just as they were taught to us by Margot Anand, in our opening series of Meetup group gatherings in Prescott Arizona, from now through April. For more info on our In The Spirit Of Intimacy classes, visit our Prescott Tantra Meetup Group site (and join!); drop a line to gbardo@yahoo.com; or leave a message for us at 928-445-7501.

Namaste`
Glenn and Diana