Many teachers of Tantra teach a form of this bonding exercise for couples. We thank Kerry and Diane Riley for this version, and refer you to their excellent book,
Tantric Secrets for Men.
When talking is NOT working for the two of you, it's a good time to
remember your relationship instead, and physically connect your bodies. It's important that you and your partner will have made a prior agreement to engage this exercise in times of conflict. It will ground you in your sexual passion and enliven the loving bond in your relationship. So, when one asks the other, even though you are so "out-of-there", you will instead say “yes”. It is not based on whether you want to, or
feel like it, it is based on a decision you have made to honor your relationship no matter what – to keep the sexual passion and spiritual bond of loving between you alive.
Refusing to honor this agreement threatens the very issue of trust in your relationship. Your partner has trusted you enough to drop the argument and ask for harmony. This is affirming that your relationship is more important than ego, more important than being right in this particular issue.
Suppose it is you who lets go first. You could say, “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. I want to do the Bonding Ritual. We can discuss this later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.” The steps in the Bonding Ritual are as follows:
Step 1:
Take up the Nurturing Position:
You (the requesting partner in this case) lie on your back while your partner lies besides you and rests her head on your chest. Place your right arm around her in a nurturing manner. She places her right hand on your heart chakra and you put your left hand on top of hers. Bend your right knee and place it between her legs, touching her sexual center. Her right leg is bent over yours so her knee touches your genital area.
This connects your heart center (open to give and receive love again), with your sexual center, opening you to vulnerability and intimacy again. For her, being held in the nurturing position tends to open her heart center again and by touching her sexual center with your leg, reverses her normal reactive behavior to withdraw and close down sexually to you in times of conflict.
Step 2:
Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath, or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate.
As you breathe out, let go of any anger, resentments, or the need to be right. Release all tension in the body, especially in the jaw, neck and shoulders. As you continue with the breathing, allow your mind to become quiet, allow the inner chatter about the argument to be dismissed. Take your awareness instead to the contact points between your physical bodies, especially your opening heart, and feel love, compassion, caring and forgiveness. Feel the warmth of your partner’s hand on your heart center. Focus on nurturing your partner like a child who has been hurt. Focus on that part of her that you really love beyond the part that has upset you.
Partner B ( your lover in this case), focuses on being nurtured and cared for and then shifts her attention to her hand on your heart, healing it and opening you more to love again. If it feels appropriate she can gently move her hand from your heart center to your sexual center, gently cupping this area for a few minutes, while you keep your hand on your heart center. This allows harmony between the emotions and physical sexuality to develop once more. You now exchange roles with your partner, gently repositioning before beginning. You need to spend at least five minutes in each role for it to be effective.
Step 3:
Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your hands holding the heart or sexual chakras. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship.
Keep breathing gently and after a minute or so and when appropriate, one says “I’m sorry (we were fighting). I love you”. The other listens, breaths in and internally accepts this. Then she says “I’m sorry too and I love you.” Finish with a hug or a kiss.
It is most important not to say anything like” I forgive you, but next time...” This would blow the whole process. You may as well not have done it in the first place. Do not talk about the issue, just hug and kiss and suggest a cup of tea or a walk. Maybe several hours later or the next day you can return and deal with the issue. Dealing with it immediately after the Bonding Ritual is dangerous because you are very open and sensitive when you have trusted enough to say “sorry”.
After you have completed this process, you may not even need to discuss the issue again because you will find that the re-established harmony and balance may well provide a new viewpoint or attitude. If you do discuss it, you may come up with other solutions to the problem which you may not have reached while in a reactive mode.
In reality, neither of you are perfect. You both contributed to the disharmony in some way. By looking within and forgiving and by balancing the energies between you, very often circumstances begin to change.
The Power of Surrender
What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honoring your true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Surrender is not compromise. Surrender is letting go totally and giving over to a truth higher than yourself. In this case, the bonding of your relationship becomes the highest truth, not you winning the argument or allowing your beloved wants and needs to be more important than your own. It is important to honor your truth, your needs and wants. Surrendering is a powerful thing to do. Once the energy is balanced it is more likely that a solution will be found to whatever caused the disharmony in the first place.
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