Blaming, apologizing, withholding, forgiving... wow — what else is life, right?
After a particularly poignant exchange between one couple ended in a stalemate, someone else stood up and exclaimed that there has never been, and never will be, any resolution of our issues by talking them out. Our only recourse, he said, is to become larger than the issues that make us feel small, and thereby allow our bodies to expand and express. Someone else chimed in, saying that the best way for two people to expand their communication is to hold one another.
I was really moved, because this is exactly the best advice I have ever received (numerous times), and Diana and I still practice it (most of the time :-), and even teach it in our classes.
For those of you in a hurry, here is the homeopathic version:
This is a view that must be tested, not believed, so please practice!
When talking is NOT working for you and your beloved, it's a good time for each of you to remember your own precious body instead, and physically connect with each other. It's important that the two of you will have made a prior agreement to engage this exercise in times of conflict. It will ground you in your own body, refresh your innate sensual passion, and enliven the expansive and free connection that brought the two of you together in the first place.
So — if your partner requests this practice, even though you might be completely triggered and withdrawn, you will breathe and say "yes". It's okay to notice you don't want to, or you're just not "feeling it" — say yes to the sacred decision you made to honor the peace in your own body, and the pleasurable flow you share with your partner. No matter what. Say yes to keeping the passion for life and the physical bond of loving between the two of you alive.
Suppose it is you who has enough free attention to let go first. You could say, “This is not getting us anywhere. I want to be in harmony with you. Let’s do the Bonding Practice. We can discuss this stuff later when we are not so upset. Let’s put our bodies together.”
Take up the Nurturing Position:
Use the breath to let go of any tension. If you are very upset, you will find that you will be tensing your body and holding your breath, or you will feel your partner doing this. Breathe in with a long, deep breath through the nose and then sigh as you breathe out through the mouth –ahh! Repeat this at least 10 times, co-ordinating your breaths if you can; otherwise make sure you are both doing the deep breathing. Never allow just one of you to be doing it; both must participate.
Both turn and face each other and hold each other naturally without your hands holding the heart or sexual centers. Continue to breathe and let go, but do not say anything. Gaze gently into each other’s eyes with love and compassion while tuning into your own “higher self”, where having to be right or having to win the argument is not important. What is important is to keep eye contact and be soft, vulnerable and see the part of your beloved that wants to be loved and wants to love. Act as healers for each other, showing compassion, care and concern for your relationship.
The Power of Surrender
What you are doing in these three steps is surrendering your ego and honoring your body's true feelings to keep the sexual passion and loving bond between you alive. Vulnerability is not compromise. To surrender and let go is to open to who you always already are, prior to your story. As a result, your relationship is revealed to be a means of honoring not only your needs and wants, but your highest truth.